The Difference Between Healthy Pride and Narcissistic Grandiosity
Most of us are drawn to or fascinated by people who are successful. It creates in us a sense of hopefulness and possibility, a belief that success is attainable, even for those who struggle with confidence or the lack of opportunity. Yet, as media exposés reveal, hope is often shattered when we see far too many people who reach important positions of power and leadership exposed for being more interested in advancing their own interests rather than advancing efforts that include the greater good. Whether we’re talking about leaders of organizations, political leaders, or spiritual leaders, power seems to inflate egos and inhibit the important balancing attributes of humility and inclusivity. “My rights” take precedence over “We the people.” Competition is valued over cooperation and civility.
Understanding the Difference between Healthy Pride and Narcissistic Grandiosity
The slang “too big for your britches” is not a phrase that is often used anymore when it comes to giving feedback to help tamper an inflated sense of self. Although in the past this phrase was also used to control and diminish healthy pride and enthusiasm, it did keep in check some of the dangerous expansiveness of total self-centeredness. Early childhood messages get confusing, however, because we are also taught that a sign of healthy self-esteem is in evidence when a person takes genuine pride in his or her abilities. It is admirable, sometimes enviable when we witness a person being able to move through the world with ease, demonstrating clear ambitions and a sense of purpose.
But how are we to tell the difference between healthy pride/ambition and grandiose narcissism? In my first book, Listening with Purpose, written with co-author Jack Danielian, we highlight specific qualities that help determine the difference between an authentic, internalized sense of confidence and pride in one’s accomplishments vs. the over-determined, narcissistically driven efforts of those who continually need to prove their sense of worthiness by being the best or the hardest working or the one who has all the answers. This pressure to be noticed and to prove self-worth stems from childhood efforts to get love and attention. In turn, these beliefs and behavior patterns are then carried into adulthood, and they can be recognized by the individual’s drive for perfectionism, their intolerance for mistakes, and their desire to be Number One.
How does this happen? As a child grows up, inconsistent or traumatic parenting leaves the child feeling insecure, frightened, alone, and confused. That is a terribly uncomfortable state to remain in day in and day out. The unconscious/reflexive solution is to form a wished-for self that is larger than life. It is a way to distance oneself from feelings of helplessness and vulnerability. Creating an inflated sense of self both feeds and fuels itself. The child begins to believe in the possibility of greatness as a way to escape fears and vulnerabilities. If lucky, a child may even get rewarded or noticed for their extreme efforts. This is how beliefs of greatness get reinforced, chiseled and refined. For example, a child may want a parent to be more loving and reassuring. When reassurance doesn’t come, children often create superhero scenarios in their mind to help them feel safe and protected from the dangers in the home or their own feelings of inadequacy.
All children do this in play to some extent, but the narcissistically damaged child refuses to let those fantasies go. They never get transformed or attenuated into a more reality-based version of self and others. Instead, they must remain Superheroes. They must be the best, the strongest, the most successful – perfect in other words. The culture rewards these expectations, which of course only reinforces the overdetermined efforts.
People often ask, “Why can’t people let go of the over-inflated images they have about themselves? They must realize on some level that these images and standards aren’t based in reality, or they must be aware that they’re being worn out by the exhaustion of their efforts.
The answer to this is that, yes, most narcissistically injured individuals realize on some level that their over-determined drives aren’t healthy, that they’re taking a toll on the body and mind. But their behavior rarely changes because secretly, there is a stubborn refusal to give up the fantasy. For example, some individuals never give up on the fantasy that they will find the perfect partner. Therefore, they enter relationships–often with healthy, desirable individuals whom they form an initial attraction–but they can never quite commit. At the first hint of disappointment, their secret belief rises to the surface–that somewhere there is the “perfect” other who will never disappoint them. At some point, they may begin to see this as a pattern, may even get feedback from others, but it doesn’t seem to matter. The awareness of the pattern or the feedback from others fades from view because facing the reality of loss pales in comparison to holding onto the wished-for fantasy.
This pattern can also play out in terms of proving one’s self-worth in one’s career, and in how one approaches parenting. Over-determined efforts that are driven by the fantasy/wish are unexamined; they provide a distraction, and they act as a reliable way to silence the internal voice that threatens to come to the surface saying, “You’re not good enough, or if you found someone perfect, it will prove how worthy and desirable you are.”
The following graphic illustrates qualities, behaviors, and attributes of healthy and unhealthy pride. Notice that the graphic represents a continuum ranging from optimal healthy pride as contrasted to a narcissistically driven effort to prove self-worth. Most of us fall somewhere on the continuum, or we have displayed aspects of unhealthy efforts to prove self-worth at some point in our lives.
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The challenge of adult development is to move closer to the left-hand side of the column. We can do this by learning from mistakes, by modifying our behavior based on internalizing the feedback we receive with regard to the effect our behavior is having on others. Making modification that move us toward humility, self-reflection, and mutuality, as well as identifying efforts that truly feed us vs. trying to win approval from others to prove self-worth move us in the direction of healthy pride and healthy self-esteem.
When we operate from this place of grounded purpose, we can then begin to challenge systems that reinforce unhealthy competition; we can insist on accountability in leadership. We can do this by enforcing consequences rather than lavishing rewards or praise where it isn’t deserved, or by not allowing the most wealthy or unscrupulous among us to find loopholes in the law. In terms of how to live a productive and meaningful life, getting off the hamster wheel doesn’t mean giving up ambition or becoming passive. It means that we challenge ourselves to be less reactive and entranced by praise and applause and pay more attention to what really feeds us – mind, body, and spirit.