The Idea of Loyalty
The concept of loyalty has always been touted as a positive thing, an admirable quality. Being loyal means that you remain steady and true to your principles, to people you care about, and to things that matter. But how and where we place our loyalty is often underexamined. How fierce is our loyalty? Can unquestioned loyalty ever become dangerous? What is the fine line between loyalty and fanaticism?
In my third book, Embracing Therapeutic Complexity, I examine the idea of loyalty and I frame that understanding through the lens of, “Loyalty Contracts.” The definition of a loyal contract can be conceptualized as an internalized system of beliefs, feelings, reactions, and expectations that are created and deeply rooted in early parent-child interactions. They also have origins in a person’s socio-cultural, religious, or ethnic context. Loyalty contracts reflect the spoken or unspoken rules that one must obey in order to remain safe and connected to others. A sense of loyalty to a group or idea also expands one’s sense of personal value.
How do we form loyalty contracts?
We are all hard-wired for connection. It’s a part of our survival mechanism. Because of that, children are very vulnerable to being shaped and influenced by those around them. From an early age, children learn and internalize familial beliefs and expectations. For example, in the case of gender socialization, even before the child is born, we ask if the child is a boy or a girl. And the minute we hear the answer, it’s as if we set in motion a series of expectations and assumptions that both limit and shape the child’s identity. But what if the girl child doesn’t want to play with dolls? What if the boy child cries and is afraid to assert himself? What if that child feels uncomfortable in his/her own gender and wants to transition? When people don’t live up to the expectations of others, suddenly we can begin to appreciate the power that early loyalty contracts have on us because whenever a person gets close to challenging a group norm that feels limiting or unfair, it can quickly become very dangerous.
Loyalty contracts are a way we form group identities. It makes us feel comfortable and gives us a sense of belonging. But these contracts also demand something of us. Remaining loyal often means conforming to some degree to a family or a group’s standards and beliefs. However, if an individual member questions standards or group norms, this often creates tension, something that is seen as an act of betrayal. “If you question us, how can you be one of us.” In best-case scenarios, the questioning leads to greater understanding. In many cases, however, it can lead to a sense of betrayal, punishment, and rejection.
How do you determine the difference between healthy loyalty bonds and unhealthy ones?
Again, the root of the answer to this question lies in childhood. When family rules, messages, and expectations are fair, loving, consistent, and applied equally to all members, children will likely grow up with a sense of confidence in their own abilities, trust in others, a general sense of optimism, and the capacity to think for themselves. They will exhibit tolerance of others’ ideas (or loyalties) because they are secure in their own identities. Loyalty bonds with have some flexibility where members are open to changing or expanding the loyalty contract.
On the other hand, when family rules and expectations are unfair, harsh, abusive, depriving, or inconsistent, the result is that these children will grow up being more vulnerable to manipulation, and will form more rigid ideologies and standards. They will demand proof from others and feel threatened by differences of opinion. Also, people who come from abusive or depriving parenting were forced to learn from an early age that they had to sacrifice important parts of themselves to preserve a precarious sense of belonging. Family rules demanded proof and obedience in order to feel loved. In adulthood, these scenarios get played out through acts such as pledging allegiance or in more extreme cases fraternity hazing or gang violence. In more rigidly held loyalty systems, people who dare to defy group expectations and norms – like black lives matter or gay marriage can quickly be on the receiving end of violence. It is easy to see how the types of beliefs people hold onto can quickly lead to polarization between groups, because if there is disagreement with the threat of too much change, it can threaten a person’s unconsciously held loyalty contract.
You can read more about loyalty contracts in my third book, Embracing Therapeutic Complexity. Stay tuned for further information on the topic of loyalty in my next blog post.