The Definition of Narcissism
A working definition of narcissism begins by inviting people to pause, and think about narcissism as a condition of vulnerability or injury, rather than thinking about narcissism as a “diagnosis.” It’s a much more compassionate approach to a fairly universal condition – because there isn’t any one of us who hasn’t suffered from some degree of hurt or injury by the hand of another. Narcissist injury, is defined as the injury to or the thwarting of the development of our real self – our authentic self, with all of our unique gifts and talents.
The degree of narcissistic injury that occurs to any one of us is based on the degree that the real self was ignored, minimized, or prohibited from being present – or made to live up to a certain set of standards in order to
be seen and/or loved. Therefore, when we speak of narcissism, we need to think about degrees of severity, that’s why we talk about understanding narcissistic defenses on a continuum from mild to severe.
The concept of narcissistic injury is understood on a continuum where the degree of injury correlates to levels of fragility and vulnerability, all of which interfere with spontaneity, resilience, and authentic self-emergence.
Causes of Narcissistic Injury
Narcissistic injury has its roots in early childhood when the development of the self is thwarted by:
parents not providing enough safety and security (trauma),
or parents not providing enough attention (deprivation),
or parents imposing demands on the child to fulfill the parents’ own goals and ambitions. (the parent’s own narcissistic damage).
The outcome of any of these three ways of not being properly parented results in the child feeling “there is something wrong with me” (SHAME) – (otherwise why isn’t my parent attending to me, keeping me safe, accepting me for who I am.) Then, in order to distance from feeling unsafe, unworthy, or a defective loser, the narcissistic defenses develop in an attempt to hide this insecurity by proving self-worth in order to get love & acceptance. And if these attempts are unsuccessful (because the child continues to fall short of parental expectations or unsafe conditions remain) we either see a withdrawal into defeat/ hopelessness or a lashing out in retaliation, which helps distance from feelings of shame. Both of these outcomes – withdrawal or lashing – out are part of the spectrum of narcissistic damage.
The Relationship Between Narcissistic Injury and Shame
Most of us will do whatever we can to not experience feelings of shame, because shame often triggers companion cognitions of hopelessness and helplessness. Chronic feelings of shame imposed on people from an outside source – say a shaming parent or a child who is repeatedly bullied or made fun of, particularly from a young age, can result in an adult individual being highly sensitive to the slightest infraction, a condition we call “shame prone”. These individuals are often highly reactive, easily wounded, and may lash out at others or jump to negative assumptions very quickly. Another way to conceptualize this reactivity and attempts to avoid feelings of shame is the development of the “Character Solution.”
To learn more about Narcissism, I recommend exploring Developmental Road Maps. If a healthy, intact human being does exist, what does he or she looks like? How can you recognize the difference between charm and substance, or the difference between perfectionistic standards and realistic goals and ambitions? What are the identifying traits that could help us better recognize the qualities of health, spontaneity, authenticity, whole-heartedness, ambition, resilience, and personal growth?
In my third book, Embracing Therapeutic Complexity, I provide a diagrammatic road map that allows you to compare the difference between individuals who move through the world by putting exacting standards on themselves as a means of over-compensating for past hurts or deep-seated feelings of unworthiness vs. healthier individuals who move through the world with kindness, grace, and relative ease.