Discovering the Light That Shines Within
A Season for Reflection
The gathering of the family during the holidays has long been a celebrated tradition rooted in both social and emotional factors. Holidays historically have both cultural and religious significance that include the importance of coming together. For example, Christmas, Hanukkah, and Kwanzaa are religious holidays that traditionally involve family gatherings, and ritual practices have been an important part of these community and family gatherings as well. As societies evolved, however, these gatherings have gradually become less spiritually driven and more consumer driven. Nevertheless, the expectation for family members to reconnect, strengthen, and/or renew bonds is a strong force that often creates internal pressure – feelings of hope and anticipation coupled with anxiety, ambivalence, guilt, and fear of disappointment.
Society reinforces the idea of happy family gatherings during holidays through media, advertising, and cultural expectations. However, many families are fractured or impoverished which can create emotional difficulty for many individuals. For those who are away from loved ones, have lost family members, or don't have strong social connections, the holidays can intensify feelings of loneliness and isolation. It's important to recognize that people's experiences during the holidays can vary widely, and there is no one-size-fits-all response. Providing support, understanding, and flexibility can help individuals navigate the challenges they may face during this time.
Each year as the holidays approach, I begin to hear stories in my clinical practice where patients share their longing for a close-knit family, the kind that is often depicted in movies. The hope is that this year things will be different. And yet, what also comes through is a mixture of anxiety and ambivalence because the holidays produce a host of complicated feelings. Patients tell me stories where the same dynamics play out year after year. There is either high drama followed by disappointment, or some form of unfairness or favoritism plays out in a repeated family pattern, leaving people feeling slighted, misunderstood, or invisible. In addition, patients often return home, determined not to assume their old roles in the family – that of caretaker, scapegoat, or the one who is made fun of or devalued. And yet, the pressure of the family system is often difficult to overcome. It should come as no surprise that processing disappointed expectations and exhaustion after the holidays is a task all therapists are consumed with post holidays.
One of the things I often suggest to my patients before going home to their extended families is to try to assume the observer role. I tell them, “You may not be able to control much of what unfolds, and you certainly don’t have much power to change how other people behave, but you can step back and observe the dynamics.” When we shift into an observer role, it helps us detach a bit, so it is easier to not get sucked into old patterns and family dynamics.
One of the valuable outcomes of psychotherapy is that it teaches us how to increase our powers of self-reflection and observation. The power to step back and observe allows us to not personalize or feel victimized so quickly. And from that shift in perspective, it also becomes easier to set boundaries. We can say no thank you, or I’m sorry, but need to leave early, or I need to call a friend. These are ways of momentarily disengaging from sticky or uncomfortable family dynamics. Taking these types of mini breaks during the holidays helps us to pull back and get re-centered.
Changing our expectations around the holiday is also a way to re-evaluate what is important to each of us. What do we need to do differently so as not to fall into exhaustion or disappointed expectations? In this season when the hours of daylight are getting less and less, the darkness can be an invitation to go inward, to find moments of quiet, solitude, and self-care. Family traditions and social pressures aside, this holiday season is called the season of light for a reason; it’s about the discovery of the light that shines from within. Now, that’s a tradition worth rediscovering.
